Beholders SUCK!!!!

Beholders suck, they're stupid, this is dumb.

Look at this stat block, just look at it. There isn't a proper, easy to roll hit dice number, they give you  range of 45-75. How the hell am I supposed to generate that?? 44+1d30??

And the armor class, this is just ridiculous, it has 3 different ACs. Judging by the description, you have to roll percentile dice to determine where you hit it before you can roll to attack just so you can figure out what armor class you're rolling against.

And how does it attack? Well it has a bite attack for 2d4 damage, and generally then you have to roll 1d4 to determine how many magical attacks it gets, through which it is implied you have to roll a d10 that many times to determine what different magical attacks it uses. Oh, and also it has an anti-magic ray, because screw you if you're a magic-user and you wanted to have a fun time.

Also I'm just realizing you have to keep INDIVIDUAL TRACK OF ALL 10 EYE STALKS' HP???? OF WHICH THEY HAVE 8-12 EACH?? EACH FLIMSY EYE STALK HAS MORE HEALTH THAN THE AVERAGE PERSON.

Okay, lets say you do get into combat with this thing and everything is set up and you can get past all that. Now, in order to find out what its magical attacks do you have to OPEN ANOTHER BOOK TO CHECK WHAT THE SPELLS DO!!!!!!

Oh, and what is the alignment of a creature for whom running combat is an absolute chaotic nightmare?

Lawful evil.

We can fix this.

Beholder

HD 14
AC heavy+shield
ATK 1 bite + 1d6 magical attacks (automatically hit)
DMG 1d6+1

Magical Attack Table:

1. Hypnotize: Target must make a saving throw or obey a command made by the beholder
2. Laser Beam: Target must make a saving throw or take 3d6 damage
3. Paralyze: Target must make a saving throw or be unable to move for 1d6 rounds
4. Push: Target must make a saving throw or be flung 1d6x10 feet away, taking 1d6 damage in the process
5. Blind: Target must make a saving throw or be blinded for 1d6 rounds
6. Terrify: Target must make a saving throw or be affected with abject, supernatural terror, attempting to flee the battle and trying to kill anything that gets in their way. This lasts for 1d6 rounds.

Every time a beholder takes 6 damage or more, the beholder takes a -1 penalty to determine how many magical attacks they get to make, representing an eye being cut off.

There, no more stupid to-hit percentile rolls, no more page flipping, no more anti-magic ray, no more variable amount of eye rays which can hit given the angle which someone attacks it at, no more stupid eye stalk HP.